Addiction and the Family

Addiction is a Family Disease

Research indicates that a person with a substance abuse or other addiction problem will affect anywhere from ten to twenty (10 to 20) people around him/her. Think of the family members, other relatives, co-workers, and/or friends around you who might be affected.

Try to invision a mobile of butterflies hanging on a child's crib. When someone touches one of the butterflies, they all move. This is exactly what happens within a family affected by an addiction to alcohol, other drugs, or addictions such as gambling.

Every member of the system is shaken up, until some type of balance occurs, whether the same as before, or in a new formation of some kind.

Family members usually develop ways of coping with the problems that arise as one of their own becomes dependent on a substance or process, such as gambling. There may be less communication; what is commonly known as "Don't talk/ask, don't tell, don't feel" or "The Elephant in the Living Room" that no one talks about. Family members will avoid expressing their feelings and keep "secrets" from their friends and neighbours. Some members may take on more of the responsibilities that have been abandoned by the addicted person. This is what is known as "enabling" or "co-dependency". Often, this means that the addict can carry on, since someone is always covering for him or her. It may be a spouse, child, co-worker, or anyone who wants to try to keep peace in the family.

Unfortunately, addiction in any form is cunning, baffling, and powerful. It is also progressive, so that family members, even though they are trying to help, may themselves find that they are turning to substances for comfort, or are becoming depressed, frustrated, angry, and/or full of guilt and fear. They begin to feel hopeless and helpless. It is very important for them to realize it is not their fault. Addiction is partly hereditary.

Sometimes, the gradual progression of the disease prevents family members from actually realizing what is happening. They are spending a lot of time and energy focusing on the person with the substance abuse problem, and are constantly adjusting their behaviors and that of the abuser. They ignore their own needs in favor of someone else's. They may stop seeing friends, stop talking about the problem in case they make it worse, or take a second job to see that the bills are paid. These things do nothing to help you; they only make it easier for the problem drinker to drink.

It is important for the family members to seek outside help:

from a professional addiction counselor
from a self-help group such as Al Anon (for spouses, partners, and parents) and Alateen (for children, ages 10 or 11 and up)
from available resources, such as other websites, books, videos, and the local library (see resources)
from a person outside the family who has gone through a similar situation and talk about what is going on
to take care of oneself; your health, friendships, and socialize
to take responsibility for changing what you can; don't accept the blame.

Finally, you might have to be prepared to set a "bottom line" and stick with it. What are you willing to live with or put up with?

There is help, both through online and/or telephone counseling by clicking here, and also "out there".